The Why

September 17, 2012 § 5 Comments

It’s the time of year I like best.  The time when heat-worn Summer days finally  fade into cool breezes.  A time when I crave cozy sweaters and hot cider, and want to listen to the folksy music of Beth Amsel or Peter Bradley Adams.  I contemplate baking bread and grow anxious for Autumn flavors like pumpkin and nutmeg.  It’s also a time when many of the blogs I visit highlight homeschool plans for the upcoming year; mothers eagerly anticipating traditions and memories they’ll make with their children.  I view pictures of summer day trips and lazy afternoons spent savoring childhood and the end of summer.  And it becomes a time of year for me to second guess, to face The Why.

Why did I chose to go back to work rather than spend my days with Liam?

The reasons from a year ago reside in the back of my mind.  I pull them out, turn them over in my head, consider all their angles.  I try to categorize them: selfish, unselfish. I want to tally them, to sum up my decision in one word that I can either hate or exault myself for.

I interrogate the reasons.  Ask them to identify their allegence.  But they refuse to be labeled.  They refuse to quiet The Why.

So I coexhist with The Why.  Sometime it’s accusing, pointing at me, yelling “WHY!!!”  Other times it calms, boosts confidence, gently reminds saying, “this is why, this is best”.

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§ 5 Responses to The Why

  • Daryl says:

    I love your writing. Please write a book.

  • bethyoung says:

    Ditto that. We’re not all cookie cutter mommies!

  • briana says:

    And if it’s God whose taken you back to work, it truly is what’s best.

    ” I want to tally them, to sum up my decision in one word that I can either hate or exault myself for.” Such a profound statement, and we all do it. Well, I do anyway. Instead I must say that even my best works are in need to Christ’s blood to wash and cover, and even my worst deeds are not beyond His redemption either. “Nothing in my hands I bring…simply to thy cross I cling…”

    Nevertheless, know that all those homeschool mommas’ blogs you may stumble upon…they all have many, many days (for this one, it’s nearly daily) when they wonder, “Am I really doing the best thing for my kids and family by keeping us all home?”

    Our confidence can ONLY come from Christ alone.

    Praying your heart will be at peace and you’ll thoroughly enjoy the moments you do have w/ your sweet boy.

  • Danielle says:

    I love your writing too.

    I think “the why” haunts us all. I’m pretty sure it does. “The Why” haunted me as I nursed twins and dreamed of days in the office with pandora playing and coffee on the desk. “The Why” can haunt me now on bad attitude homeschool days. When I read other photographers’ blogs who work full-time and spend weekends shooting weddings while their kids are in school and husbands watch their kids on the weekends. The jealousy that can creep in when yet another blogger lands a book contract.

    I think “the why” will always be there, no matter what the choice. And you’re right, sometimes it accuses, other times it affirms.

  • mandie says:

    Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate them 🙂

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