The Why

September 17, 2012 § 5 Comments

It’s the time of year I like best.  The time when heat-worn Summer days finally  fade into cool breezes.  A time when I crave cozy sweaters and hot cider, and want to listen to the folksy music of Beth Amsel or Peter Bradley Adams.  I contemplate baking bread and grow anxious for Autumn flavors like pumpkin and nutmeg.  It’s also a time when many of the blogs I visit highlight homeschool plans for the upcoming year; mothers eagerly anticipating traditions and memories they’ll make with their children.  I view pictures of summer day trips and lazy afternoons spent savoring childhood and the end of summer.  And it becomes a time of year for me to second guess, to face The Why.

Why did I chose to go back to work rather than spend my days with Liam?

The reasons from a year ago reside in the back of my mind.  I pull them out, turn them over in my head, consider all their angles.  I try to categorize them: selfish, unselfish. I want to tally them, to sum up my decision in one word that I can either hate or exault myself for.

I interrogate the reasons.  Ask them to identify their allegence.  But they refuse to be labeled.  They refuse to quiet The Why.

So I coexhist with The Why.  Sometime it’s accusing, pointing at me, yelling “WHY!!!”  Other times it calms, boosts confidence, gently reminds saying, “this is why, this is best”.

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