September 17, 2012 § 5 Comments
It’s the time of year I like best. The time when heat-worn Summer days finally fade into cool breezes. A time when I crave cozy sweaters and hot cider, and want to listen to the folksy music of Beth Amsel or Peter Bradley Adams. I contemplate baking bread and grow anxious for Autumn flavors like pumpkin and nutmeg. It’s also a time when many of the blogs I visit highlight homeschool plans for the upcoming year; mothers eagerly anticipating traditions and memories they’ll make with their children. I view pictures of summer day trips and lazy afternoons spent savoring childhood and the end of summer. And it becomes a time of year for me to second guess, to face The Why.
Why did I chose to go back to work rather than spend my days with Liam?
The reasons from a year ago reside in the back of my mind. I pull them out, turn them over in my head, consider all their angles. I try to categorize them: selfish, unselfish. I want to tally them, to sum up my decision in one word that I can either hate or exault myself for.
I interrogate the reasons. Ask them to identify their allegence. But they refuse to be labeled. They refuse to quiet The Why.
So I coexhist with The Why. Sometime it’s accusing, pointing at me, yelling “WHY!!!” Other times it calms, boosts confidence, gently reminds saying, “this is why, this is best”.